Emilee & Anna Invade MiddleEarth
by Howard and PortaPotty
Summary: What the title says! We invade! ::Hiatus::
1. Hey look! There's a Legolas in my close...

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters from Lord of the Rings….we do own ourselves though…and Vebor.

Authors' Blab: Wow, we started writing this and it suddenly became seven pages long. Wowzers! Well this is the first chapter of Emilee and Anna Invade Middle-Earth. Please like it. We like it. It's funny! Enjoy! –Howard & PortaPotty, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

"Bang! Bang! Bang!" Emilee woke up to one morning.

"What the crap?" she thought. So immediately she grabbed Mr. Pink, her plastic flamingo, and looked around her room nervously.

"Who's there?!?" She yelled. She got up and went to her closet, where the banging was obviously coming from. Emilee ripped open the door and saw a strange looking fellow standing in her closet, so out of natural reaction, she smacked him over the head with Mr. Pink and slammed the door shut and shoved her rolling drawer thingies in front of it. Then she called Anna, her best friend.

"Hello?" a sleepy voice answered.

"Get over here now!!!!!"

"What? Why?"

"Just do it!!!" Emilee screamed into the phone and hung up.

So Anna got dressed and hopped into her car to drive over to Emilee's house.

When she got there, she let herself in and ran up the stairs to Emilee's room.

"What is it?" Anna said as she walked into the room.

Emilee was sitting on her bed, looking towards the closet, holding Mr. Pink close to her.

"There's someone in my closet!!"

"What?! Did you call the police??"

"No…I called you!!" Emilee squealed.

Anna looked at Emilee then narrowed her eyes, "You made you bed?"

Emilee blinked, then nodded, then started yelling, "This is no time to make fun of me and how I make my bed all the time!"

Smirking, Anna nodded, "Okay."

They stood there glaring at one another for a while, then Emilee remembered, "There's somebody in my closet!"

They both jumped when Emilee's mom called over the intercom, "What are you girls doing up there?!"

Emilee rolled her eyes and got up from the bed, still clutching Mr. Pink. "Nothing mummy." She said sweetly into the intercom.

"Well stop being so loud!" Her mum yelled back, "Oh and hi Anna." She said nicely.

"Yah yah, Anna says hi." Emilee replied, rolling her eyes again and leaning on the wall next to the intercom. "What are we going to do man?"

"Give me that." Anna grabbed Mr. Pink and Emilee grabbed it back.

They played a lovely game of tug-a-war with Mr. Pink for a while then Anna finally grabbed it and ran off to the other side of the bed.

"Go to the closet and see who it is." Emilee told her, pointing at the closet (as if Anna didn't know where it was).

Anna laughed, "Oh that closet? That one there?" She teased, pointing to where the closet was.

Glaring in reply, Emilee sat down in her desk chair and watched as Anna, still laughing went to the closet and opened the door, not expecting to see anything. "It's probably just your cat…Tigerlilly?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"Told you."

Anna slammed the door (not after hitting the fellow over the head with Mr. Pink again) and ran back to the bed. "There's a GUY!"

"Spot on, Anna. I didn't know that." Emilee replied sarcastically, now hugging her teddy bear, Napoleon.

"Well what are we going to do?!"

"I don't know. That's why I called you."

"But YOU are the…figuring-out-what-we're-going-to-do one!"

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh."

They didn't say anything for a few seconds, but then Emilee gathered up her courage and set Napoleon down, then walked over to the closet, Anna right behind her, and flung open the door…

Legolas Greenleaf hadn't the slightest idea where he was. All he knew was that he'd been screamed at and hit over the head with a rock hard pink bird on a stick…twice.

He knew the dark room he was locked in had to be some prison for clothing, but he didn't really know why. The only reason he could think of was that the odd looking shoes with multi-colored laces stunk like nothing he'd ever smelled.

So as result to the two bruises on his head (one of them gave him a black eye), Legolas wasn't hoping the door wouldn't open again.

But then it did.

"Ahhh!"

"Please, don't hit me with that petrified bird again." He pleaded cowering back away from the door.

The two girls who'd hit him earlier were standing there with their mouths open and Legolas really hoped they'd close them. The brunette's mouth was quite large. She sort of reminded him of Pippin…

"Who are you?" the brunette one asked finally.

The other girl nudged her, "How can you ask him who he is! Look at him!"

The brunette shrugged and looked at her friend cluelessly.

"You are such a dipshit, Emilee."

"Shut up ANNA."

The blonde one Legolas decided was Anna, jumped when he moved ever so slightly to scratch his cheek.

Anna gave Emilee her daily 'you're an idiot' look. "It's Orlando Bloom dressed up as Legolas!"

"Really?" Emilee narrowed her eyes at Legolas, stepping further in the closet, "You think so?"

"Emilee, who's picture do I have glued all over all of my folders?"

"Orlando Bloom."

"Very good."

Emilee shook her head disbelievingly and grabbed Legolas' arm, pulling him out of the closet and into the light of her room. "He can't be Orlando Bloom, look at him. He's…." Emilee gaped, "…really really really hott.."

Legolas shook her hand from around his arm and looked around the strange room he was in. "I don't know what kind of black magic you two possess, but I do warn you, I am very good with a bow."

Anna and Emilee looked at each other and started cracking up. "Aww! That's so cute!" Anna laughed.

"I'm serious." Legolas said, looking hurt.

"So is she." Emilee replied, then realized that she still had her Hard-Rock Café t-shirt and pajama pants on. "Uhm…Hey Anna?"

"Yes?" Anna said, not taking her eyes off of Legolas.

"You think you can manage to not jump on Orlie here while I go change?"

"I'm not promising anything."

Emilee rolled her eyes. "Right." She disappeared into her closet.

The whole time Emilee was changing Anna and Legolas just stared at each other. Anna was wondering where the hell he came from, while Legolas was wondering exactly how many bracelets she had on her wrists.

When Emilee came back out, she slapped a hand on Anna's shoulder, then looked at Legolas with a big smile. "This is Anna, she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Anna glared at Emilee, "Thanks man!"

"I'm helping you out man, just keep smiling." Emilee whispered back, winking at Legolas with a huge Game Show Host smile.

Anna rolled her eyes and moved a bit closer to Legolas, he stumbled a bit and fell to a seat in Emilee's cluttered red chair. Narrowing her eyes at him, Anna tilted her head to the side, "Who are you?"

"My name is Legolas-"

"Okay, somebody's playing a trick on us. What's Dale's number…that bastard will pay." Anna said, turning around but Emilee wasn't behind her anymore. She was sitting at her computer.

"What are you doing!?"

Emilee looked over her shoulder and shrugged, "I'm checking my mail."

"Wh..wh…why the hell are you doing that?!"

She shrugged again, "I'm checking to see if our story got any reviews."

"Who cares!? Legolas is sitting in your chair dumbass!"

"Hey! Don't yell."

Legolas shifted in his seat and pulled out from under him a stuffed bunny.

"Oh hey, Lego found Llama." Emilee said cheerfully.

Anna was completely speechless. She concluded in her head that probably the only reason Emilee wasn't spazzing out about Legolas being in her room, was that the poor girl had probably imagined this happening so many times it really wasn't surprising anymore.

Legolas put the bunny in his lap and sat forward, looking at Anna, "Where am I?" he asked, putting his hands on his knees.

"Oklahoma babe, sorry." Anna replied, then looked at him for a moment. She walked over to Emilee, who was dancing in her chair about having three new reviews for their Once In A Thousand Years story, and pulled her out of the room in the rolly chair.

"Excuse us." Emilee told Legolas as she was rolled out of the room.

The chair got stuck in the doorway though so Emilee got out of it and pushed it back in it's place, before giving Legolas a cheerful grin and going out the door to talk to Anna.

Anna slammed the door shut and looked at her best friend with huge eyes. "Emilee do you know where you are?"

Emilee narrowed her eyes and nodded slowly, "Yess…."

"Do you know that Legolas is sitting in your room?"

"Yup, know that too."

"Do you know what we're going to do about it?"

Emilee bit her lip, "Get him some coffee?" she offered.

Anna fell over.

"Hey man, are you okay?"

"NO!"

Emilee nodded, "Alright, I'll give you some privacy." She started to go back into her room, but Anna grabbed her leg.

"Are you dense? Did someone drop you on your head when you were little?!" Anna yelled, getting up from the floor.

From downstairs somewhere Emilee's dad yelled up, "I did!"

Emilee shrugged, "I suppose so."

"Oh my God, why is this happening to me? I'm going crazy and I'm only seventeen!"

"Dude, face it, it's destiny!" Emilee said, and they both looked up at the sky and opened their mouths all weird. (Don't ask. It's a weird thing we've done for like, a year…every time someone says destiny.) "Legolas came here for a reason, and I think that reason is me…I mean you."

Anna smiled softly, then snapped back into reality, or what was left of it. "No man, it's not destiny. It's an illusion."

"Whatever man, I'm going back in there before he finds my stash of mints." Emilee said, going back inside.

Wondering briefly why Legolas would want a mint, Anna followed her friend back in the room and closed the door behind her.

Legolas was amusing himself by pushing the speaker button on Emilee's phone and hearing the dial tone. Emilee was in her closet somewhere.

"Hey, stop that!" Anna yelled when Legolas started sniffing the White Out.

She ran over and grabbed the bottle from him, looking at him apprehensively. Sighing deeply, she sat him down on the bed and sat in the desk chair in front of him.

"Okay, answer me truthfully, alright? Who are you?" Anna asked, realizing she hadn't put the White Out cap back on all the way and it was spilling all over Emilee's desk. "Shit."

"I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood." Legolas answered, "What is shit?"

Anna laughed, "This stuff you were smelling."

"Ah. It didn't smell particularly pleasant."

"Yah. Okay whatever." Anna said, looking back at him, "Where are you from Legolas?"

"Mirkwood."

"And where is that?"

"Middle-Earth."

"Stop that Anna!" Emilee called from somewhere in the house. "Stop asking him questions you already know the answers to! It's embarrassing."

"Where are you?!" Anna yelled angrily.

Emilee walked in from the front door of her bedroom, carrying a pile of clothes, "Right here."

Legolas was watching them with an amused expression on his face.

"Where did you go?"

"To see if my dad has anything that will fit Legolas." Emilee answered with a shrug.

"Why…?"

"Well we're not going to take him out looking like that." Emilee answered, "I mean the hair is bad enough, but men in tights aren't appreciated these days."

Anna looked at Legolas and nodded, "Sad but true."

Legolas looked at them like they were crazy.

But that's okay, because they're used to it.


	2. An Attempt To Ride In The Precious

Authors' Blab: Mwahaha, more evilness. More hilarity. Hehe. This is a short one though, guys. Sorry. I'm afraid the chapters are going to start being like that. All you excellent people that love us and review because you love us…PLEASE KEEP LOVING US! We love you too!

Enjoy! –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

Legolas was a bit surprised upon the mention of Emilee's 'precious'. Alright so he was a bit more surprised than they had expected. But he was alright…he was just fine. He was…on the floor.

Anna looked down, "He died. We killed him."

"Maybe he's sleeping?"

Anna looked up at her best friend with a bored glare, "I can't believe you just said that?"

Eventually they kicked Legolas enough times (well, Emilee did. Anna couldn't bring herself to kick someone so beautiful. Emilee rather enjoyed it.) to wake him up and they shuffled him down the stairs and to the garage.

"Lego, darling, might I introduce…the Precious!" Emilee announced dramatically, waving her hands in the direction of her 2003 Volkswagen Beetle in lime green with matching interior. Shit yah!

Legolas wasn't nearly as awestruck as Emilee would have hoped, in fact he just looked confused. Not that a 1,000 plus year old elf wearing an oversized Hard Rock Café t-shirt (woah! Emilee was wearing a Hard Rock shirt in Chapter One! Coincidence!? I think not.) over his leggings with Nikes and a beanie, didn't always look confused. Now you're confused too eh? So are we.

"What is this new devilry?" Legolas asked, not showing the fear Emilee had hoped for when she pushed the panic button and the horn blared.

Anna thought for a second, "Isn't that Boromir's line?"

Legolas' eyes lit up, "You knew Boromir?"

And this whole conversation was going on while Emilee was sniggering about the panic button still being on, and the Precious was honking and lights were blaring. Hehe.

"Give me that!" Anna yelled and grabbed the key from Emilee, turning the panic off, "Just for that, I'm driving."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"…I'm not that stupid Emilee."

"Damn."

Then they both yelled and ran over to stop Legolas from playing with the cans of paint.

Told you it was short. 


	3. An Actual Ride In The Precious

"Talk is shmeep! Shut up and dance! Do doo doo doooot dooo do dooot dooo do doo dooot!! Don't get shbleep! Shut up and dance!" Emilee sang loudly. She was free! She was happy!

She'd talked Anna into letting her drive using the trusty 'You can't gape at Legolas while you're driving' argument.

Not that she'd had much of a chance to use that argument before…

Anna, on the other hand, was undecided on her mood. She gazed at Legolas and made a list of reason she didn't know how to feel in her head:

**Reasons Anna Doesn't Know If She's Happy or Sad **

Happy- She was looking at the most life-like dream of Legolas she'd ever had.

Sad- She wasn't sitting next to / on top of / remotely close to Legolas, rather in back seat of car whilst her beloved was in front seat.

Happy- Legolas seemed to know she was gaping at him, but didn't seem to mind. She'd convinced herself that he liked it and was just about to take off seat belt and leap into backseat and have wild...dirty…that's enough…

Sad- Emilee was ruining 'Shut up & Dance' by replacing the word 'cheap' with 'shmeep' and 'deep' with 'shbleep'. And what's worse was that Anna was too engrossed with Legolas to correct / make fun of / point and laugh at her.

Happy- Legolas had just yawned! He was so cute when he yawned! Wait…do elves yawn?

Sad- Legolas was resembling Jay of Jay and Silent Bob entirely too much with long blond hair and beanie.

Legolas was so freaking hot!!

Anna's out loud laugh about the Jay and Silent Bob thing made Emilee stop singing for a moment.

"Hey Anna? Isn't today the day we're supposed to meet Sarah, Stefanie and Laura for lunch?" Emilee asked.

What?! Why is she asking me difficult questions like that when my attention is clearly focused on my beloved? Anna thought.

"No, I think wrong corn no…and and and and and and and…"

When Anna repeated 'and' for the thirteenth time both Emilee and Legolas looked back at her.

"Anna! DUDE!" Emilee yelled and blared the horn of The Precious.

Anna snapped out of it, "What?"

Then they pulled into a parking spot at the mall.

"Wow, time flies when you're having fun!" Anna cheered

"Or when you run out of things to do in the car and it's either appear at the destination or start rambling about random non plot furthering junk.." Emilee added to the side.


	4. Community Potties

The mall was crammed with people, which was odd, but Emilee and Anna didn't care because they knew the soul purpose of them being there was to show Legolas his destiny! Ah!

They'd discussed it while Legolas was passed out and Emilee was kicking him: They'd take him to see Lord of the Rings, which was playing back to back in the theatre for ten strait hours!!! (remember people, this is a fantasy land where all three LotR have already come out)

Yess!!

But first…they had to potty…

"Alright…I'll go, and you say out here and watch Legs." Anna said as they stood outside the bathroom.

Emilee looked to be doing a sort of tribal Indian dance, "Why do you get to go first!?"

"Cause I have to pee more bad!"

"No way! I do!!" Emilee shot back, then out of the blue she turned to Legolas and stopped dancing, "Hey…do elves pee?"

Anna took this chance, though she really wanted to hear the answer, to dart into the bathroom.

"If by 'pee' you mean…" Legolas started

But Emilee had just realized that Anna left, "Uh! No fair!" She yelled and darted after her into the bathroom.

And about seven minutes (they knew it was seven minutes because they'd just checked their watches) later Emilee and Anna ran out of the bathroom.

And of course, Legolas had vanished.

Ana looked at Emilee murderously, "You LEFT HIM OUT HERE BY HIMSELF!?"

"Hey! Don't blame this on me! You were sneaky and left and stuff." Emilee yelled back.

"ANNA! EMILEE! HEY!" A familiar voice yelled.

Emilee and Anna turned furiously to run into one of their friends, Sarah.

Sarah frowned, a bit of her excitement draining away, "What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, we just came out of the bathroom." Emilee mumbled.

"…alright…" Sarah replied with and uneasy smile.

There was an odd silence as Sarah watched Emilee and Anna glare at each other.

Until another person skidded up behind them. "Sarah! I heard him cough!"

Emilee and Anna turned their puzzled looked to Laura, the newcomer. She had run up to them from the room with the 'family restrooms' in them.

Authorses Note: Yes, family restrooms. Are these as odd, alarming and unnecessary to you as they are to us? I mean, do families really want to go to the loo together? Is that a family activity that people really engage in? We actually have family restrooms in our mall. Odd? Yes. Unnecessary? Yes. But I digress.

They could see a crowd of people they knew, oddly enough only girls, crowded around the door to the Family Bathroom. Some were listening with their faces pressed up against the door, some had cameras out and most were just shoving others out of their way to get closer to the door.

"What? What's going on?" Anna asked, frowning.

Sarah grinned giddily, "You won't believe this…we just saw Orlando Bloom playing with the pay phone, so we went up to talk to him and he ran into the bathroom!!!"

This time Emilee fell over.

But she was laughing.

Anna kicked her, "Emilee!!" She hissed.

"They chased Legolas into the...the…the…community potties!!" Emilee managed between hysterical fits of laughter.

Now review!!! DO IT SCUBA STEVE!!!


	5. The Fangirls

Authors' Blab: Wow, long time no update eh? Well here you go, its CHAPTER FIVE! WOO! Hehe. We'll try to write another tonight, but we've got to write in Once In A Thousand Years and Alas! Another Overdone, Yet Still Hilarious LOTR Parody. WOO OOO! Go us. –Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna

--

Emilee and Anna were at the bathroom door in a split second.

Alright, so maybe in about ninety seconds. A single split second would have been asking quite a bit from the girls.

Don't look at me like that! What do you expect?! Emilee was on the floor and Anna was kicking her, it would have been physically impossible to be across the room to the door of the Family Restrooms in a split second.

A split second is like from now to now! Now to now! Now-now! Ah! Now!

But I digress.

…but they had to push through a gaggle of fangirls to get there.

"Move! Hey no pushing! I was here first and I refuse to move! I'm Orlando's biggest fan! He was born in Canterbury, England in 1977 at 3:39 in the morning!"

Amidst the crowds Emilee and Anna looked at each other. There was only one person they knew who could spit out that much information about Orlando Bloom off the top of her head.

"Megan." Emilee and Anna said together.

Then they frowned at each other. It wasn't every day they looked at each other and said the same thing all movie like. Woah.

Megan was the ultimate Orlando Bloom fan and had the look to prove it. Emilee and Anna would never understand the sheer irony that on this particular day Megan just happened to be wearing her Orlando Bloom t-shirt with a photo of Orlando's face stamped on it, her I heart Orlie bag, button, bandana, necklace, earrings, nail polish, jeans, sneakers, socks (and not to anyone's knowledge but Megan's own, underwear) which surprisingly enough, made her look like the BIGGEST BLOODY FANGIRL EVER!

Megan was a good friend of Emilee and Anna.

Emilee tugged on Megan's Orlando Bloom hoodie. "Hey Bloom-master-"

But she must have pulled a little too hard because Megan flopped on the ground. Luckily Anna was growling at the surrounding fangirls, so they were backing off as Megan jumped up and assumed a creepy martial arts pose.

"KARATE!"

"Woah there Silver…" Emilee laughed, "What are ya doing pal? What is Orlando Bloom in there or something?"

Megan was just about to respond, but Emilee held up a finger, "Meggie, hang on a tick okay?" she whipped around and tugged Anna off of some poor unsuspecting fangirl who was getting a bit too close to the door. "Anna! Down."

Turning back around Emilee smiled sweetly to Megan, "You were saying?" she nudged Anna with her foot, and Anna took the hint.

So, according to Emilee and Anna's carefully thought out plan, Anna took in a huge deep breath and screamed at the top of her lungs, "OH MY GOD, IT'S ELIJAH WOOD!!!" She pointed, "OVER THERE!"

A resounding whoosh rang out throughout the mall as every girl in hearing distance turned to where Anna pointed. Unfortunately, there was a young man wearing a beanie standing around where Anna pointed, and all the fangirls stampeded towards him.

Taking this advantage, Emilee and Anna, quite proud of themselves, turned towards the door and strode proudly toward it, Emilee pulled on the knob. "Drat. It's locked."

Emilee frowned, stroking her chin. "How are we going to get in there? Legolas probably doesn't even know how to unlock it…well if he locked it then he probably knows how to unlock it. But you never know with those elves…I mean, look at Elrond…"

As Emilee was going on and on Anna walked over and turned the knob, opening the door. She smirked and pulled Emilee in.

Legolas looked…interesting. He still had on the beanie and Nike's, and was sitting on the toilet with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees.

He looked furious. "What was that?!"

Emilee and Anna jumped as Legolas yelled at them, then they sort of backed away, "Er…well…ehm…er…" They stammered.

"I have a good question!" Emilee said cheerfully, "Why are you here Lego?"

Legolas frowned, "Why are you changing the subject?"

"Subject? What subject?" Emilee said innocently, nudging Anna as she saw drool hit the floor from her area.

Sighing, Legolas caught a glance in the mirror and pulled off the beanie. "Well…it all started when…"


End file.
